A friend
called me today to tell me the wonderful and exciting news that she is
expecting her first baby. “Guess what?! I’m pregnant!” I immediately replied, “Oh
my god I’m so excited for you! You’re going to be such a great mom!”
Then she
said something I was not at all prepared for. “I am going to put you on speed
dial. I plan on calling you to get all kinds of advice.” It hit me at that
moment that my cover is about to be blown wide open. Advice? From me? Ha,
that’s laughable. Sure I’ve been a mom for almost seven years now but the fact
that she thinks I actually know what I’m doing is just plain funny. I feel like
the Wizard of Oz. I’m over here chilling out behind the curtain but the moment
my friend has her baby the curtain will open and I will be revealed. I am
clueless. Frankly, I’m just making this shit up as I go along. So far it’s
working for me but it’s only a matter of time before I am in some type of
situation that I don’t have a clue how to handle. I’ve heard the teenage years
are something all-together frightening. I’m shivering just thinking about it.
After we
hung up the phone I started thinking about what kind of advice, if any I could
really offer a new mother. My youngest is three so I had to dust off the
cobwebs in my brain and think back to when I was expecting my first son. Here
is the list of advice I came up with offering expecting mothers. Let’s get real
about this shall we?
The Birth Plan:
That kid is
coming out one way or another so just go in there knowing that and you will be
fine. If you don’t plan on getting an epidural more power to you but if you
change your mind just know that no one will think any less of you for it. Hell
I was begging for that thing with what turned out to be gas pain.
Bottle or Breast?
Do whatever
works for you. Babies are always hungry so feed them. Don’t worry about what
anyone else thinks and if someone tries to give you shit for whichever choice
you make simply tell them you started your kid off on steak and potatoes but
after realizing that was a bit too heavy you switched to the bottle or the
breast. They won’t judge you anymore. In fact they probably won’t talk to you
anymore and that’s okay because judgy people are super annoying anyway so it’s
a win/win.
Sleep Training:
Oh dear god
if the kid is sleeping do not wake them up. Do what works best for you. Will
your kid only sleep in the bouncy seat? Bounce away my friend. Do you need to
visit a park at 10pm and hold them in a swing for five straight hours to get
them to sleep? By all means get to know your local Park Ranger. Do what works.
Obviously do what is safe (I’m not a complete moron) but if your baby is
sleeping long enough that you can take a hot shower and clean the spit up off
your face then do it. If you don’t care about the spit up on your face but
would rather get your zzzzz’s while that child is sleeping (raising my hand and
jumping up and down) then do that. Don’t worry about what everyone else says
you should be doing. You are holding the baton so run on my friend.
When will my body look normal?
Define
normal? Stop. You just pushed out a kid. You literally brought a human being
into the world. Don’t even worry about getting back into your jeans. Yoga pants
are your new friend and when things settle down again you will start to get
back in shape. You might become a whole new shape than you were pre-baby and
that’s OK. I will go shopping with you. Shopping is fun. Not with kids
though. Shopping with kids is some type of torture you should avoid for as long
as possible so leave that baby with someone else on the day we go shopping.
What should I make sure I have before
I bring the baby home?
Diapers. You
will not believe how much babies poop. Girlfriends. You are going to need one
or two good ones who will listen to things like “My nipples are so raw.” And
“My husband just doesn’t get it.” It’s vital to have some people lined up to
help you, listen to you and hug you. Granny panties. Stock up on a bunch of
those girls. You can just throw them out when you don’t need them anymore, or
hold onto them to laugh about one day.
All that stuff you got at your baby shower is great but you won’t need
half of it until that kid can sit up and trust me that doesn’t happen
overnight.
How will I know if I am doing
everything right?
Ha! What
does right mean? Is your child still breathing? You see the thing is everyone
and their mother will have an opinion to offer you, and by offer I mean jam
down your throat when you are at your most vulnerable. Invest in good earplugs.
There is no right way to do things. There is your way and then there is
everyone else’s way. Do what works for you. At the end of the day if your child
feels loved then you are doing it right. Sure your house may look like it was
ransacked by burglars and you might serve your family questionable milk from
time to time but if your child is happy then rest assured the rest of the stuff
doesn’t matter.
You see my dear friend motherhood is a
journey. You will learn as you go and some days will be an epic success and
other days will be an epic fail. It’s not about the days though. It’s about the
years. I guess after seven years on this journey it took you to help me figure
that out. Go ahead and put me on speed dial. I won’t be offering advice but I
will definitely be here for you and the wine will always be stocked!
