History has a history of shaming men.
Walk the plank, matey. Don the orange jumpsuit, inmate. Ride a scooter, ye of the DWI.
Few are as painful - or universal - as when we're left holding the bag. You know, your lady's purse. Or pocket book, for you Southerners. What in the name of Chewbacca is in those things, lady?
Things would be different if the fellas carried around handbags.
We fellas jam what we can into our wallet, until they're lousy with receipts and shopping lists. Some men stuff their dashboards with everything from Big Mac boxes to boatloads of invoices. And don't even look in our trunks.
But If I had to carry a bag - and I don't, and I won't - but if I did, it'd be svelte and efficient. And I'll tell you just what would go in it. This doesn't mean I have any desire to know what's in yours.
Beyond chapstick and used tissue, that is.
Keys, mobile phones and wallet belong in a man's pockets. Why else do men wear cargo pants? If I swim against the tide and place these items in my bag, I'll just induce the famous panic grab.
You've seen it: It's when a man spontaneously pats every pocket he has to locate keys, phone and wallet. It's like an inner swat team, dispatched to find the essentials his wife will yell at him for losing.
Behold, my list. I've included justification, although, aren't they self-explanatory?
Deck of cards
Got caught holding a purse for 45 minutes or more? Induce a mind-numbing game of go-fish with the kids. Or play war with another unsuspecting chap trapped in the Today's Woman section at Kohl's.
Beef jerky
Stranded in a broken elevator, traffic jam or poetry reading? Snap into a Slim Jim. It's not as tasty as homemade jerky, but the packaged stuff if perfect for survivalists.
Baseball (with a sharpie)
You never know if you'll meet someone autograph worthy. I saw former US soccer star Danielle Fotopoulos in a pizza joint in Greensboro once. I asked her to sign my baseball.
Danielle: "You want a soccer player to sign a baseball?"
Me: "Yes. This way, you'll never forget me."
Danielle: "Yeah - as the freak who asked me to sign a baseball!"
*-she was smiling when she said this.
Stormtroopers
Such a fixture of my blog. I would carry my trio - the original, the Hoth trim, and Endor fatigues. You never know when a photo op will break out. A 42-year-old man carrying Star Wars figures is normal. My mom says so.
Sunglasses
I won these beauts in a giveaway on Work in Sweats Mama blog. This from the man who splurges on dollar-store glasses. These make me feel pretty like Ponch. So I keep them in their sheath and case like a good boy.
Sunflower seeds
This satisfies not only my sodium requirements, but also my kids' need to spit. It's a lot of work to get a little seed out of a little shell with just your mouth stuff. But we men specialize in all things hard work and limited reward.
Notebook and pen
Handy for those fleeting Go Ask Daddy questions that pop up at inopportune times. You know, like during illegal traffic maneuvers and weed-infested searches for lost golf discs. It will make you look official as a coach if you don't have a clipboard handy, too.
Animal crackers
Would a vegetarian eat animal crackers? It doesn't matter in my family. These are life-giving, and I could do much worse. A boxful of these critters staves off post-practice hunger until I can get the kidlets home for apples.
Cords. lots of cords.
Everything needs charging, you know? And nothing gets a fella in hot water quicker than letting your cell battery die. Unless you come home late with glitter all over your shirt. In which case, you'd better grab your bag.
You'll need the beef jerky and animal crackers while you sleep out in the yard.
# # #
Jennifer - it's an honor to be here! Friday is a perfect day for fatherhood. I need your honest opinion on my leopard-skin bag, though. Grace picked it - she took all the pictures, too. I just don't know if I should carry it after Labor Day.
ReplyDeleteSo happy to have you here. You can't go wrong with animal print. It works all year round! :)
DeleteWell animal crackers and animal prints seem a natural combination. This is a man's brain talking.
DeleteClearly a natural combination. Clearly!
DeleteIsn't this what women call a theme?
DeleteThat's really not so different from my purse. I carry a Sharpie, although it's more for rock stars than sports stars. And bubbles instead of cards. And Goldfish instead of sunflower seeds. And blotting papers, a nail file, pressed powder, and scented lotion instead of beef jerky. Pretty much samesies.
ReplyDeleteTotally samesies. You guys could switch and you wouldn't eve know it! I have to say I prefer the scented lotion over the beef jerky for sure.
DeleteBut doesn't your bag have pantiliners and used tissue in it? The Sharpies are multi-purpose - good enough for Peyton Manning or Kesha. Bubbles leak. The Goldfish probably would have bought me more shop time in Target with my youngest, I'll concede.
DeleteWhat are blotting papers? Other than that, we're a match.
@Jennifer Lizza: The beef-jerky-scented lotion is the bomb.
DeleteBeef Jerky scenting lotion...hmm you might be able to sell that to a high end men's store. ;)
DeleteIt would go in the same collection as grill-aroma women's perfume (I'd swoon) and pizza-delivery car air freshners (yum).
DeleteToo funny! This looks like our diaper bag, which has become the family purse. I've tried for YEARS to get my husband to carry a bag, but he knows better. In this family? Whoever has a bag is given TONS of crapola to "just hold for a minute."
ReplyDeleteThanks Joy! Know what else turns into the family purse? A dad's cargo shorts. Not even Chewbacca's coolness could convince a fella to carry a bag. What we need to do is start packing down the youngest kid in the family like a pack mule.
DeleteYes Joy so true tons of crapola tons. And it's never for just a minute. You should see the size of the beach bag I sport. It's really insane! You could fit the Dugger family in it.
DeleteThey're the weirdest, greatest thing. Little rectangles of a floppy plastic-like substance that, when pressed on one's face, suck out all the oil and leave makeup intact. And once you use them, they turn satisfyingly translucent.
ReplyDeleteI'd want to save them in their translucentness, and that might be considered strange.
DeleteCan't live without them...unless of course you like the oily look.
DeleteHow does it leave the makeup on? This feels like an infomercial.
DeleteThis is great!! I totally know my husband would agree with the baseball and sharpie! Excellent!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kathy! What if we run into Jeff Bridges or that short girl from Dixie Chicks at the Aldi? You have to be prepared!
DeleteI see I have come to the right place. I love purses! More than shoes. Blogged about it a year ago. So what's in mine?
ReplyDeleteWallet, phone, iPad, keys, tissues, wipes, spare socks and boxers for C, coloring pencils, miniature notebook, glue, stickers, a plastic thingie that holds vouchers, receipts and C's passport (you need ID to get into mall kids places these days), vanity bag, crackers up to 6 months old and crumbly, I also had some chocolate but it melted and made a mess, so it had to go. That's about it. Oh, wait, lately, I also carried around the Panini soccer stickers album and an envelope with the "to be traded" player stickers.
Question: Guys would rather be caught holding a lady's purse for %(*?/" 45 minutes than having a cool, manly bag of their own?
That's a great idea, spare boxers. I think a grown man should pack those, just in case.
ReplyDeleteDid you guys get all the stickers before the Cup began?
I think a cool manly bag, although it would be tough to pull off without looking like a purse. Maybe if it had a dragon on it or spikes. Or looked like Chewbacca's bag. No one ever made fun of Chewbacca.
All I keep picturing Eli is you carrying a man purse like Jerry Seinfeld for some reason this morning, but still love the items you would carry and you make some valid points, as to why you would ;)
ReplyDeleteIF I HAD to, you know? I'd want these things. I hope to baby Jesus I never ever have to!
DeleteIf you're going to carry a bag Eli it should be made from the skin of a savage beast that you've fought to the death with your bare hands. On the other hand sequins look good.
ReplyDeleteMaybe I could bedazzle a wolverine pelt.
DeleteHa yes!! How about a bear with sequins...like a dancing bear from the circus? :)
DeleteI've got 2 of those in my camera bag...that's my purse...and I like the sharpie idea! Interesting take on what you would have if you had a "purse"...
ReplyDeleteTwo what, Michelle, bags of beef jerky? My mind seems to specialize in the "what if ... "
DeleteThere's something in between homemade jerky and Slim Jims.. Oh yes. Our co-op has pre-packaged chemical-free beef and turkey jerky. And the house stuff is great too. I sometimes have it in the diaper bag because it kept us all going at Disney World.
ReplyDeleteI always have jerky and I'm not afraid to use it!
You know I carry Stormtroopers in my purse, right? Right.
Animal crackers - yes. I fear I sound manly. I'm not.
My brother carries sunflower seeds around and he's always offering them! I rarely want them, though.
I'd slip some of those in the sack. If I combine the animal crackers, jerky and sunflower seeds, isn't that like native American pemican or something? Maybe not. You have the right idea about jerky - you have to be all in.
DeleteWhich Stormtroopers do you carry, T-Bow? I think any Stormtrooper could kick an Imperial guard's butt nine times out of 10.
My girls make quick work of the seeds. Plus, it occupies them and keeps them off the streets.
I went to a party the other day and we played the purse game (yeah I never heard of it either) the one woman would say a letter and we would have to pull something out of our purse that started with it. I'm embarrassed about what I tote around in that thing. She said "P" and I pulled out my 3yo's Power Ranger underwear. She said "F" and I pulled out a play fishing pole, she said "H" and I pulled out a mini Hershey bar that looked like it had melted and reformed itself about 250 times. I think it may be time for me to clean out my purse and throw some storm troopers in there to fix things.
DeleteYou never fail to make me laugh, Eli! This was awesome and I especially like the part about coming home covered in glitter...just grab the bag, man. And run! BTW, did I tell you that one of the boys that played ball at my stepdaughter's high school was drafted by the Rockies? Forrest Wall (sp?)....totally off topic but...well, you know. Just in case one day you need that ball and Sharpie and it's his autograph you seek. You can think of me...I just watched him graduate from high school three weeks ago.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sandy! I felt like all my stuff had been seriously lately ... so I was glad Meredith gave me a chance to do some funny, too. If a guy comes home covered in glitter, he can expect to have the bag over his head - and to take a swim in the river.
DeleteCool about the Rockies' draft pick. We need him to come save us! He might even get assigned to Asheville here in North Carolina. I'll bring the Sharpie next time I'm up there.
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ReplyDeleteTotally samesies. You guys could switch and you wouldn't eve know it! I have to say I prefer the scented lotion over the beef jerky for sure.
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