I Survived The Pediatrician's Office and All I Got Was A Stinky Diaper

If someone had told me 5 years ago that I would one day be sitting in a Pediatrician’s office playing defense, goalie,  ridiculous clown, sweating my butt off, ready to cry I would have laughed and said what kind of sissy do you think I am?! I mean really, how hard can going to a Dr.’s office with kids really be? Well I’ll tell you hard, harder than any trip to the gym, or run, or written test, or Chinese water torture I could ever possibly participate in.  In fact television executives I have a new reality show for you and I can tell you no one is winning this shit.

I swear they stick you in those little rooms and have you sit there waiting with secret cameras filming every agonizing moment. The nurses probably all make popcorn and shout to each other come on ladies we’ve got a fresh one here. Let’s see how long she can hold it together.  Today I held it together, if that’s what you can call it for 42 minutes and 4 seconds.  Our appointment time was 11am. The Dr. came in to see us at exactly 11:42 and 4 seconds and trust me those seconds count. I think my son’s lunch box may be slightly larger than the room we were in today. I am in a tight space with a 4 year old and a 2 year old whom I have already undressed down to his diaper, following the instructions of the nurse.

They were running behind mainly because it was a monsoon here today and patients were running late pushing back all the appointments. I can’t even get mad at that because if we are being honest I didn’t show up until 11:04 so by the time I signed in we were officially late.  The trip started with me trying to wrestle two kids into rain gear, with the oldest demanding on wearing Monster’s Inc. shorts with Fireman rain boots. Listen who am I to argue this isn’t a damn fashion show. I start walking each of them to the car under the umbrella when the two year old decides he’s going to take off and splash in all the puddles. I wouldn’t have cared if this was light rain but this was literally Cats, Dogs and possibly Rabbits falling from the sky. I ran after him and my umbrella went flying so now I look like I just got out of the shower, the one where I forgot to undress first. Awesome.

We get to the office and a very nice new naive mother is holding the door open for us with one hand and her baby in that ridiculously heavy car seat carrier in the other. My kids decide this is a great time to get into a fight over who will go first. As to not scare this new mommy I tried to remain calm until finally out of fear that her arm may literally fall out of the socket I screamed: “Who cares who goes first just go for the love of GOD!!!!”

We get into the lunch box room and the boys are instantly arguing over who gets to play with the abacus. I mean really? We have an abacus at home and I’m pretty sure I need to use the leaf blower to remove the dust at this point.  I break up this nonsense and move on to the lovely smell of CRAP! I look at my 2 year old and ask him buddy did you poop? As if at this point it’s even a question. I mean if he didn’t then there is a horse in the next room. Now I have to change his diaper on that stupid table with the crinkly paper and he is all squirmy. I get him changed all while having to listen to my four year old complain how bad it smells. Cue the sweat. I am starting to lose it people. I am picturing the nurses laughing so hard at this point and I want some popcorn.  I look up to see a sign that says Please take your dirty diapers with you above a picture of Pepe Le Pew. (Hahahaha I get it a skunk smells as does this shit how cute!) So now I am in a lunch box with two kids and a poop diaper. Stop being jealous.

I won’t bore you with the next 20 minutes of screaming, removing medical tools from their hands, getting them to stop banging on the windows and all the other fun shenanigans, but I can tell you a good time was NOT had by all.

After the visit was over I breathed a big sigh of relief until I realized I still had to leave with the poop diaper. As if this cake needs any icing there isn’t an outside garbage pail to be found at this place so you guessed it I had to ride home with two hungry, whiney kids and one stinky ass diaper.  Doctors office 12 Outsmarted Mommy Zip.

 

Time for a glass of wine!