The Night A Bear Messed with Me

Did I ever tell you about the time a bear tried to break into my house? No? Oh well please pull up a seat and a favorite beverage and have a laugh at my expense.

So we don’t live in the city, in case you had not already guessed that much. We live on a lake, on a mountain surrounded by woods and it’s beautiful. We can hike, kayak, ice skate, fish, and swim just by simply walking out of our door. Being outside is part of who we are and I wouldn’t change it for the world, but it doesn’t come without a price.

We live amongst wild life. No we don’t have lions or giraffe, but mountain lions, wild turkeys, and bear, yes we have those.  My husband works 24 hour shifts so there are nights that I find myself tortured  blissful with watching a movie (he would never watch) with a glass of wine and a snack after the kids go to bed…I know it sounds awful  heavenly right?! Shortly after having my youngest son I was home ready to enjoy a solo movie night. I had put my oldest to bed and since my youngest was a mere 3 weeks old he was going to tag along for the movie.

I made myself some popcorn, changed newbie’s diaper, poured myself a glass of red, put on my pj’s and headed downstairs to watch a chick flick. I get myself situated and click yes on the “do you want to rent THE MOVIE YOUR HUSBAND WILL NEVER WATCH WITH YOU for the next 24 hours at $4.95?

 Ah yes. Okay done. Newbie is sleeping soundly on the Boppy on my lap allowing me to eat my popcorn and sip my red. I am feeling beyond successful. I’ve got this two kid thing down. My husband is at work and I am totally doing this AND watching a movie. Where is someone to high five when you need them? Two minutes into the movie something goes very wrong. It’s the moment I have always dreaded. ( The one that stems from watching ONE too many Criminal Minds)  I hear someone  or something on our deck banging around and then I hear the loudest banging sound on our sliding glass door.

I am immediately in mama bear mode. My dog on the other hand is in let me cower in the corner mode. (Big help he is) He's lucky he is so darn cute.

I THINK I'll STAY HERE WHILE YOU GO CHECK IT OUT

I am lucky enough to live on this lake with my ENTIRE FAMILY. (okay sometimes lucky sometimes something else but for purposes of this story LUCKY)

 

I call my father and say: Dad someone is either trying to break into my house right now or there is a giant animal on my deck. My Dad: Don’t move I’ll be right there!

I’m not sure what part of DON’T MOVE I didn’t understand but I hung up the phone and immediately started climbing the stairs with newbie in my arms. Listen 2 ½ yr old was in bed and I needed to make sure he was okay. As I got to the top of the stairs my instinct made me immediately walk towards the sliding glass door. Now here’s the thing if it was scenario a) a complete psycho killer who the FBI is closely tailing well I have two problems, #1 the psycho killer on my deck & #2 the fact that Agent Hotchner & Agent Morgan (because YES they are real) are about to see me in my pajamas with my nursing bra, leaky boobs, and just an overall HOT MESS SELF I would be mortified.

 

So please Bob Barker show me scenario #2! Oh yes new mommy here you go as you turn the corner you will see a GIANT BLACK BEAR banging on your glass door trying to work his way into your home. What? Awesome! That’s exactly what I ordered. No really as I turned the corner holding my new born baby in my arms there stood a GIANT black bear on his hind legs banging on my sliding glass door with his front legs while in the upright position. In keeping with the “it’s frowned upon to poop your pants after the age of 3” rule in this house I did my best to keep it together. This bear was HUGE!!!! So I slowly backed up all while holding newbie and I got myself to the phone. After briefly analyzing the situation I didn’t feel 911 was appropriate so I called the local police department to which the dispatcher said to me okay please get away from any doors and get yourself to a safe place. Okay where would that be? Well you need to get both your kids and get to a car and lock yourselves in. Um well my car is in my driveway and I’m pretty sure the bear would get to me if we tried to get outside. Do you have a garage? Yes. Okay can you get to that? I’ve sent an officer to your house. Okay. What is that banging noise? Oh that, yeah that is the bear banging on my door. Oh my god that is loud she says. Yes I know I'm HERE listening to a BEAR BANGING ON A GLASS DOOR!! Two seconds later the officer is banging on my front door.

Ma’m is there are bear breaking into your home? (Seriously where do I live) Me: Well yes one was attempting to break in but I don’t think he wanted my pearls. Him: Yeah we don’t think so either but he was clearly a danger to you and your family. If he is still outside we may have to kill him.

 

Ok listen I just want to go to bed and know that a bear is not going to break into my home and join me. At this point my oldest son wakes up walks down the hallway and says Mommy, why is there a police officer in our house. At the same time my father is in our driveway laying on his horn in the hope of scaring the bear away. Hey neighbors who's happy I live here?! The officer proceeds to walk around our entire property and returns assuring me the bear is gone and it's very unlikely he will return. He also informs me that the bear destroyed the metal gate we had blocking the top of our deck stairs and that if he wanted to he could knock any door down with little or no effort. Ok well that's encouraging. All I wanted to do was watch a movie and now I feel like I'm in a really bad one. The officer leaves and I get my oldest back to bed after the 555 questions he had about bear and where they live, and what they eat, and how come they don't wear clothes and then about police officers and if they have kids, and do they live in houses, and do they like ice cream and oh my god kid just go to bed! I then got newbie down in his crib and decided after all of that to just call it a night.

About a half hour after laying down I hear a ruckus on my deck yet again so I look out of the bathroom window and there's my new boyfriend. 

 

You have got to be kidding me! So I've had it. This bear is messing with a sleep deprived mother and you can mess with a movie but you cannot mess with my sleep. I ran downstairs and grabbed a bunch of full water bottles. I ran back upstairs and from the bathroom window began slinging them at the damn bear. He literally looked at me like is that all you've got lady? So I start throwing them harder and making all sorts of Get, Beat It, Scram sounds. I get my keys and set off my car alarm. (Again neighbors raise your hands if you love me) and he eventually probably out of nothing but pure annoyance meandered away.

I went to bed feeling like Goldie Locks but in the horror version of the story and I kid you not that bear came back at 5am! So again I hurled water bottles at him and he left. I actually think he was going back to his friends in the woods and saying "oh my god I am messing with this lady tonight she just had a baby and I swear I made her lose her shit. It's awesome!" That was the night of course that the baby slept for 6 hours straight while I spent the night up with a stinkin bear. I mean really?! He hasn't been back in quite some time (well since we started locking the garbage up) and as you can imagine my dog is losing tons of sleep over it.

When my husband got home from work he looked at me and said "Oh no! Rough night with the baby?" Yeah something like that only it was a bear not a baby. I can tell you there are things I have said out loud since having kids that I never thought I would say...but this one takes the cake.